OK, so here’s a confession you might not have heard too often: I left my first husband because we only had sex in 3 positions.
Now I know that might sound a tad superficial, but in my defence, I was a young and sprightly 28 year-old, with a strong sex drive and expansive spirit.
I loved having orgasms and having them was no problem – with myself. But I really can’t recall if I ever climaxed with my first husband and, if I’m honest, I found his 1, 2, 3 routine boring.
Typically, I would wait until he’d rolled off me and gone to sleep to sneak my hand down to my yoni and (as quietly as possible) gift myself the pleasure I’d found lacking in our intercourse.
And whenever he wasn’t around, I enjoyed reading erotic literature and doing more of the same.
I felt a strange combination of ashamed, frustrated and rather clueless, but of two things I was certain:
1) there had to be more to sex than this and
2) I was not prepared to put up with 1, 2, 3 for the rest of my life.
Looking back to my 28 year-old self, I cringe, of course, at my lack of awareness, relating skill and sexual initiative. And I’m wanting to ask myself “well, did you talk to him about it?”
And actually, I did. I somehow found the courage to tell my husband I’d like to spice up our sex life and wondered if there was something we could explore together to make this possible.
At the time, I had no idea that tantra or sex and relationship counselling even existed. I didn’t know where to turn.
But when my husband said he was happy with things the way they were and didn’t see the need to change anything, I thought “right, well, I’m not prepared to make do with this. I’m only 28! There has to be way more to life!” And off I went to find it.
Some months later, I was out clubbing in London and got chatted up by a cute young man, 6 years my junior.
I was flattered by his advances and it didn’t take too much persuasion for me to give in. Throwing caution to the wind, I succumbed to desire and, for the very first time in my life, enjoyed wild, hot, loud, prolonged sex that wasn’t just pleasurable, but multi-orgasmic.
On the table, on the stairs, on the kitchen counter, in the alleyway (yes, we did once!), dressed up in suspenders and stockings, standing up, sitting down, backwards, forwards, sideways (LOL!), playing out fantasies: we made out in every possible place and position and I was inducted into the JOY of Sex.
My lover’s mother, so it turned out, was a liberal-minded former Bunny Girl, who had bought her son “The Joy of Sex” as soon as he hit adolescence.
I can’t tell you how grateful I was to her!
And from that point forward I never looked back. Goodbye 1, 2, 3. Hello bigger and better sexual experiences ! And hello a life-change I’d been wanting: I moved out of the middle-aged before my time middle-class suburbs (zzzz) and bought myself a flat in a trendy part of London.
25 years later I’m a Sacred Sexual Priestess, yogini and tantrika, who regards all of life as a great making love. That passionate sexual fire is just as much a part of me and I’ve experienced so much beyond blissful love-making, I count my blessings.
And still I know there’s more!
So it was interesting when, the other day, a male friend and I were talking and he said how boring he sometimes found it to have to rotate through various positions during sex.
I laughed and confessed that I’d left my first husband because I found his 1, 2, 3, boring.
And then recalled not too long ago buying a copy of the Kama Sutra with the notion of inspiring my then lover to greater variety between the sheets.
Yet, I also now know, that great sex is about so much more than a panoply of positions and some of the most ecstatic sexual experiences I have ever had have involved:
Resting in deep presence in the arms of my lover, before being catapulted into an indescribable experience of cosmic bliss
Being penetrated by the Divine in a great energy orgasm (fully clothed and solo. No physical sex act necessary).
Losing track of time and making love all night in an endless flow of bliss, where my lover and I merged into one.
(All of which are described in greater detail in my forthcoming book, btw).
So this set me off on a little thought-train: does position really matter?
My answer comes by way of a mixture of subjective experience and objective understanding.
And my answer is, in a nutshell: yes and no ;-)
You see, it really depends what angle you come at things from (so to speak). And I mean that quite literally.
If you’re wanting the cosmic-ness I speak of above, then, in many ways, position is utterly irrelevant. At that point, you are beyond positions, as it were, even as your body may still be assuming them.
Yet, in some ways, the opening to pleasure and energy flow that mutually delicious love-making induces could pave the way for it. Which brings us back to feel-good positions and the variety thereof.
In purely physiological terms, there will be certain positions that feel more pleasurable than others to each of us.
Speaking as more of an expert on female anatomy and arousal than I am on men, for a woman, it will depend on the position of her internal pleasure spots (she has more than just a “g”), the angle and depth of her vagina, and the proximity of her clitoris to her vaginal opening, for example.
Every body and set of genitalia is utterly unique, with a different configuration and concentration of nerve endings, sensitivities and preferences for speed, touch and pressure. And, what is more, these can change from day to day, over time and even over the course of a single love-making session, as the vagina literally changes shape.
Deep penetration and cervical orgasms are typically only possible, for example, once a woman is highly aroused. Otherwise, it can hurt.
The one size fits all approach to sexual pleasure simply doesn’t exist, which is why I get really annoyed with magazine articles that propose to tell you the x, y, z formula for guaranteeing your partner’s ecstasy.
There’s nothing more off-putting than feeling like your partner is going through the motions of a routine, expecting you to respond a certain way, or worst of all, telling you what you "should" be preferring or experiencing, as opposed to being present to you in the moment.
And then, of course, there’s the influence of our unique personality and physique.
I’m an adventurer who loves expanding into more, so exploration and variety are an important part of the mix for me, much as I have my favourite positions. You might feel differently. And it’s important to know and value the truth of your individual turn-on.
Quite naturally, our physical shape, levels of strength, flexibility and endurance can all make a difference too.
I often joke that I’d love to breathe my last breath either on the dance floor or while making love, but that vision is one of leaving this life in unending ecstasy, rather than in the throes of a heart-attack.
In my quest to understand if position has the same impact on pleasure for men as it does for women, I’ve had little luck in online searches or a Facebook straw-poll.
What I did find is scientific evidence of what we probably all already know: that men are more turned on by visuals than women. So we may tut-tut at all the gawping and objectification, but, apparently, the male brain is wired to do it.
So, for him, it might be more (or at least as much) about what view of your face or body a particular position offers up, as opposed to what sensation.
Of course, this is a generalisation and there will be men who protest at such nonsense and women, who claim this predilection for themselves.
My own belief (and experience) is that as we evolve our sexuality (and hence awaken as beings), although these generic patterns may remain a part of us, love-making becomes about so much more for both genders.
At the end of the day, we’re back to the most important factor in all of this: the unpredictable, unrepeatable co-creation, when two (or more) individuals with an utterly unique psyche, physicality, embodiment, awareness and sexual expression meet.
It’s really great to educate ourselves as to the sexual anatomy and arousal pathways and preferences both of ourselves and the sex we’re attracted to (and then, of course, of the particular person we're with). And I advocate this to anyone who wants better sex and relationships.
But ultimately, the pleasure we experience in love-making with a partner will derive just as much from the position of our hearts and consciousness, as it will from that of our bodies and genitals.
And if you'd like to expand your experience of life and love-making beyond the ordinary, then my Awakening Your Ecstatic Potential online courses offer you a progressive grounding in meditation and embodiment practices designed to open you to the pleasure, energy and authentic sense of Self that arises as you attune to your inner divine nature. Please contact me to enquire about this or one-to-one sessions.