As a Libran with Libra rising, you could say it's written in the stars for me to be a romantic obsessed with relationship.
Even in my pre-teen years, I was spinning dreams of meeting pop stars and falling madly in love.
And, of course, popular culture fed my fantasies with magazines, books and movies full of the handsome prince fairy tale.
Going to an all-girls secondary school didn't help. Boys remained unfamiliar creatures onto whom I could project my illusions and sexualised yearning.
With no healthy masculine present, I craved male love and attention and was mortified, when I didn't get it. I believed, that my life and value depended on it.
Marriage. Twice. Lovers. Many. Heartbreak. In spades.
Chasing that elusive ideal of happiness and fulfilment as dependent on relationship.
And somewhere in there the concept of soul mates entered my consciousness and, of course, I latched onto it tenaciously.
Finally, a theory to underscore that "OMG! This HAS to be it!" feeling of instant in-loveness and made-for-one-another compatibility. My woman’s body hormonally hi-jacked by her teenage psyche.
I even marketed a process called "Find Your Man", so confident was I that I'd cracked the steps necessary to attracting true love.
Funny thing, though, was that even my "soul mates" (including the one, the FYM process was inspired by) ran away or betrayed me. Which made the pain even worse. As all those castles in the sky (for the Prince & Princess, of course) came tumbling down.
Call me dogged, blind or both, but even this didn't alert me to the fact that something was up.
Increasingly devoted to my spiritual path, the soul mate theory simply morphed into the concepts of Sacred Union, Twin Flames & Calling in the One.
Oh how these ideals stirred my heart and soul!
THIS, I knew, was my life's purpose; my destiny.
And when a man still failed to show up to fill those shiny shoes (which baffled me no end), I did a sex magic ritual to call him in. And BAM he landed in my in-box the very next day!!!
"About bloody time!" I thought, feeling vindicated and a tad smug. Twin Flames at last.
And, yes, I created an offering (The Twin Flame Code) around that piece too. Who doesn't, after all, want to meet their man?!!!
Us women are programmed to fixate on romantic relationship as the answer to all our woes.
I could feel the envy, admiration and sighs of melting hearts as hundreds of followers tracked our very public love-story: overlaying it with their own rose-tinted projections.
Amplifying my devastation and humiliation, as I crawled away 9 months later, after the heaven I’d so potently manifested morphed into hell.
“Take that!” Ma Kali cried as she chopped off my head and with it both my breath-taking arrogance and egoic naivete in invoking Her name to conjure up the life partner of my dreams.
I retreated into meditation and heart-healing. Stillness. Satsang. Daily practice.
Was that the final nail in the coffin for my love-lust?
I still had a couple more rounds to go, before my addiction to the exhilarating surge of sexy romance finally released its hold.
Forcing me to look at the (wo)man in the mirror and recognise, that her he-story would keep on repeating, until she changed her ways.
No more deferring life, love, sensuality or happiness to that magical meeting with “The One”.
No more blaming externals.
Taking on board, finally and fully, that this story with men is, was and always will be an INSIDE JOB.
Experiencing, that it’s only in this final let-go, that the possibility of true meeting – and love - actually arises.
Which I know isn’t what that romantically conditioned part of me and you wants to hear. But so it is.
We’ve been sold a lie. A whopper ! And the sooner we drop it, the better. It wrecks lives, steals happiness, defers joy. It distorts relating, stunts growth and blocks self-realisation.
It powerfully dis-empowers.
Which is why, even while I know that millions of female hearts and minds long for The Beloved, as a Priestess of Love I will not and cannot cash in on that fantasy.
There is no route to attracting the ideal mate, apart from falling in love with you.
There is no Divine Union without an inner marriage.
There is no ONE, apart from your eternal I-AM presence.
Who shows up in your life and how (or not), is but a reflection of your inner man and you.
Even now, as I’m in the early stages of dating, I notice how quickly others want to know my story so as to either figure out how I “got a man” or shape it into the idealised narrative.
And I want to say: just drop it. Let it go. This isn’t how it works. If you truly wish to meet a man or find “the One”, then stop searching outside yourself and begin a journey into love with you, your masculine and God. End of.
If THAT calls you, then be in touch for details of my Meeting the Masculine online self-study programme. It’s available at a very special festive investment for just a few more days!!
I'll also be available, once 2021 dawns, for one-to-one sessions on this theme. Contact me here to know more about either.
Love, Shakti xx