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Being sexually aligned

A few weeks ago, I had a delicious encounter with a Divine Shiva, who reignited my desire for partnership and love-making after a healing period of celibacy.

Following on from an abusive relationship that ended 15 months ago (you can read about it here in my blogs Narcissism & the Twin Flame Fantasy Part 1 & Part 2), I really needed that time to focus on self-love and spiritual practice.

Which brought me a beautiful 2018, full of harmony, fulfilment and happiness.

Contrary to what some people imagine when they hear the word “celibacy”, this did not make me harsh, dried up or closed.

Far from it. I felt juicy, open-hearted, excited and energised (still do!). The only difference being that I was not casting outside myself for anyone or anything to complete me.

In all honesty, I’ve probably spent most of my adult life either in partnership or seeking to be in partnership with someone. Ding dong co-dependency ! ;-)

It’s been a real joy and eye-opener to see the difference it makes, when I give all my love and energy back to me.

But that’s not the point of this blog. What I want to talk about today is sexual alignment.

You see, that cosmic connection with the Divine Shiva came as a gift - not only to reawaken my desire for external union (which I’d utterly given up on), but also to accentuate the nature that union now has to take for me.

In journeying solo these past 15 months, I feel as if I’ve entirely re-set, cleared and up-levelled myself. I feel like a virgin (cue Madonna). And I’m a changed woman.

Whereas previously I might have followed my desire to be with this man and given free rein to my sex-heart impulse, this time, it was clear and easy for me to set and hold a boundary.

No. I cannot share myself sexually with a man I’ve just met.

Because sex is not just a pleasurable physical activity.

It’s an exchange of energy.

A meeting of hearts and souls.

A mutual imprinting.

A profound bonding.

A ritual of adoration.

A making of love.

And that – for me – can only happen with a man I truly love and wish to share my everything with.

And neither my romantic self (lover Libra), nor my hot and horny self (lusty Leo) will be reliable guides to the truth of this on first meeting.

I know that who and what I take into my body, will literally fill my being and be amplified.

His psyche and emotions, his light and dark, his consciousness, his heart… will all be channelled through his lingam and into the holy vortex of my womb.

If I open, then I surrender all that I am into his arms. There will be no holding back. And the magnificence of my love, light and Shakti energy will dance us into spirals of expansive ecstasy.

And that for me, as a profoundly sensitive, awakened woman means I will embody not only love, but a sense of deep bonding and commitment to this man. It’s an equation that expands into the never-ending: the safer I feel, the wider and wilder I will open. The deeper the opening, the more love arises.

So it behoves me to be aware and lovingly protective of this, my most sacred gift. The gift, not only of my sexual energy, but also the radiance and tenderness of my heart as well as the luminosity of my soul.

My encounter with this Divine Shiva gave me a beautiful opportunity to get really clear on this for myself, as we navigated our powerful mutual attraction.

The ways in which he opened me - with his voice, words, gaze and touch - were unforgettably exquisite. My Shakti was aroused and enthralled. It felt as if the Divine Herself had created him for me.

But, when he subsequently withdrew and asked for no further contact, She was confused, angry and hurt.

Why this seduction and opening if there was never an intention to follow through?

It took me a few weeks, a synchronistic second meeting and some heart-ache to really work this out.

And what I then came to understand was that this Shiva was a messenger; to bring me into full alignment for sacred union.

His unexpected showing up opened me to the delicious possibility of a love connection once again. And his unexpected cutting off taught me a lesson about sexual alignment.

Upon reflection, I saw that this man, though majestic, gorgeous and masterful was not congruent in his behaviour. I could feel the opening towards me in his heart, as well the potency of his desire, but these conflicted with his mind, which had a life-plan I did not fit into.

He spoke of honouring me, but, actually, the minute he acted on his desire so as to open me in full knowing he did not want to follow through, in my book he was no longer honouring me – or himself.