I'll be 59 in just over a couple of months.
When I look at that figure it is literally just a number.
There is no significance I feel I need to give it.
I've been in menopause for 3 or 4 years (I think - I honestly can't recall the exact dates).
Again, there is no significance I feel I need to give that either.
I can only live and speak from my current embodied reality.
Which is: a fit, strong, healthy body, that adores high energy ecstatic dance, yoga and hiking.
A profound capacity for deep, wild and subtle sensuality.
A sharp mind, keen intuition and deeply perceptive seeing.
Incredible wisdom born of many decades' international travel, work, academic study, teaching, relating, self-development and parenting.
Mind-blowing gifts as a channel for higher wisdom & healing energies.
Coupled with the ever-present humility born of knowing the vastness of life and tricks of the ego.
An unquenchable thirst for growth, knowledge and purposeful service.
Infinite love for and pride in my - now young adult - children.
Devotion to daily practices of connection to Spirit, embodied awakening, truth and love.
An ongoing desire for meaningful connection with all.
A longing for sacred partnership.
Creative, eloquent, unique and colourful.
This is how I experience myself.
More glorious, true, alive, wise, deep and self-expressed than I have ever been.
More, not less. Full, not empty.
And becoming fuller by the minute.
And yet I see how this is not seen by many.
I notice how there are so many limiting beliefs and assumptions about
a) what age should mean & b) the value of women past child-bearing age
When, ironically, as I see it, is is women like me who have THE MOST to offer life and our world right now.
As guides and guardians. Wisdom-keepers and seers. Counsellors and healers. Channels and anchors. Lovers and mothers. Teachers and leaders.
Embodiments of the emerging DEEP FEMININE needed to re-balance Gaia.
Yet, by and large, this immense gift and treasure of wisdom is not acknowledged or invited in. By women themselves, as much as wider society.
I've staunchly refused to become a poster-child for happy, healthy menopause, because - frankly - it's not a topic I'm called to, nor a label that defines me in any way other than accurately reflecting the fact that I don't menstruate any more.
I don't tend to talk about age because, again, the number is irrelevant to me. I don't have expectations of what my life or body "should" be like.
It's how I FEEL that matters. What and who resonates with my frequency.
Does my face and body look different to how it looked 10, 20 or 30 years ago. Sure.
Do I care? No!
Does it move differently? A bit, but really not so much that I notice any discomfort, disadvantage or difficulty.
I love who I am. In all that I am. And find it kinda fascinating to observe the changes that have and are happening.
We are ALL ageing. We will ALL die.
For me that knowing invokes energy and passion. To wanna make today count and not worry about all the BS the media/society wanna put on me.
AND being here and who I am can sometimes be a lonely place.
Because of the not-seeing.
Because of the assumptions.
Because I meet very few women the same.
I don't resonate with statements like "women our age". Or "when you get to our age". Because what often follows is an assumption or projection I don't relate to.
I don't have aches or pains. Nor menopause symptoms. My body hasn't slowed down. I'm not planning my retirement. I've not lost my libido. I don't feel bad or afraid about getting older.
My closest friends - the ones I resonate with most in terms of vital energy and interests - are almost all younger.
My favourite thing to do is dance full-on for hours. I have more energy than most other people on the dance-floor.
Some of the people whose company I most relish are my children - now in their early 20s.
I wish for a Beloved, but rarely - if ever - cross paths with a single man around my age (or any age) who feels my equal - physically, spiritually and intellectually.
And it does seem that men are less interested in even approaching me (whether as friends or potential lovers) now that - what - there's a 58 next to my name ?
I share this today because Cronedom came up in my Sister Circle last night.
Because I saw a post this morning about the loneliness of peri-menopause.
Because it feels time for me to post about this topic and life-phase.
I guess it's both a plea for the myths, limiting beliefs and assumptions about women and age to be dispelled.
As well as for the profound value of the Crone in our midst to be recognised.