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I was sharing with some beautiful friends yesterday about a toxic "relationship" I was in - 2016-17 - with a narcissist.
They asked me some really great questions that got me to articulate what this was like and exactly what it is IN ME that attracted this experience.
I'm far enough away from it now to be able to tell the tale with raw vulnerability and radical honesty without being pulled back into the darkness that it was.
And yet, in re-telling some parts of it, it was shocking even to me to recall the utter despair and sense of dancing with insanity I descended into.
I don't talk about it these days, because I'm on to other things, but I continue to be reminded that this same dynamic is still playing out in the collective, as still more revelations of abuse of power by esteemed male teachers and healers comes to light.
Including here in Glastonbury.
I've supported multiple one-to-one clients through their own journies out of abusive relationships &/or in healing the wounds from toxic family dynamics (typically they go together).
It's a theme that regularly comes up in my groups too.
And I'm wondering what else is needed?
Personally, I believe that healing, enlightening and empowering ourselves, rather than demonising the other, is the way to go.
And with the benefit of hindsight on my own experience, as well as the deep insight that's one of my gifts, I can see very clearly the patterns at play here.
My friend, who has his own youtube channel, invited me to an interview on this topic within the next couple of weeks. I felt excited by that
Is there anything else that would be useful?
In our conversation yesterday, my friend asked me "so what is next for you with this pattern? What do you see as the next step for you?"
My response: well, I've done so much inner healing, cultivation of self-love and awareness, that I feel now the next step would be to enter into the test of being in relationship. I can know all that I know intellectually and feel that I've done "the work", but actually relating with another intimately would show me just how far I've come - and still have to go.
Of course the if/where/when/who/how of this is not something I can control.
But it kinda changes the parameters for even being in relationship in the first place.
It's like - here I am - I've got these wounds and traumas. I've acted them out in some pretty self-destructive ways. And yet I'm devoted to love, truth and awareness. I'm doing and have done all that I can to heal and empower myself. I feel ready now to explore being in a conscious, committed relationship with a man who is ready to be equally up-front about his shadows, has an equal capacity for self-enquiry and is also devoted - above all - to love, truth and awareness. Wanna dance?
I wonder how differently relationships would start and end if we began this way?
If you'd like to explore working with me one-to-one around this dynamic, then please reach out. I've supported multiple clients in recovering from narcissistic abuse and or in navigating the end of or challenge in relationship. You'll find my wisdom, compassion, shadow-stalking, truth telling and transmission of love deeply supportive to your healing and blossoming forth.