Upper Limits & Havingness levels


When I first started following the work of conscious relating teachers Gay & Katie Hendricks 10 years ago, I learned about the idea of "upper limits."

Their theory is, that we are conditioned to feel comfortable with a certain - limited - level of happiness, wealth, well-being or intimacy, and that once we breech this level or experience it for too long, we often do something - unconsciously of course - to sabotage it.

Like getting ill, becoming busy, picking a fight, finding fault with our partner, taking things personally, having a crisis/drama we need to resolve and so on. The possibilities are endless really. But the end result is, that once we've had more goodness, than we are familiar with, we do something to bring ourselves back down to that comfortable upper limit.

And I stress: that thing we do is not conscious.

So it's not like we have the thought "oh my goodness! I'm just experiencing way too much joy and love right now - let me see what I can do to nip that in the bud."

It's a much more tricky, subtle process, that works from our shadows and buried beliefs about what we are worth and used to.

I've noticed this in myself, when I've been immersed in high vibe, high quality time with beloved soul friends, that I reach a point, when I have to withdraw, because it's like my cup is so full, I can't take any more!!

More recently, as I've been reading the fabulous "Existential Kink" by Carolyn Elliott, she posits a similar theory. Only she calls it the "havingness level."

Once again, the theory is, that we become accustomed to a certain level of what it's ok to have and anything that positively challenges it - even if we swear blind we want it (more money, more pleasure, more orgasms, more health, more peace) - is unconsciously resisted.

So we stay stuck in the situation we say we're desperate to escape.

I've been practising it with money: doing the Existential Kink practice on my saucy little fetish for lack, before visualising the life - and things - I'd really LOVE to have. By doing this regularly, I am expanding my havingness level.

When I was dancing the weekend before last, I had a visceral experience of this.

When the class started, we were all in one half of the beautiful dance space, that has a divider across it.

We weren't a large group, so it felt OK, but I was conscious of the bigger space potential and the desire in my body to really spread my wings.

And then Ruth announced, that the space was going to be opened up for us and two young guys came in to push back the divider.

It felt SO exciting, as they gradually revealed the other half of the room and dancers began to move into and through it.

A part of me wanted to just rush headlong into the big open space, but I waited, enjoying the change in perspective and listening for the moment, when my body felt organically ready.

And then it came and I flew. Exhilarated by the freedom to take up as much space as I wanted. Feeling my self E X P A N D.

"WOW!" I thought. This is what I've needed! This is the space I've wanted.

How limited in outlook and movement we can become, when we get used to being in a small and limited space (I'd been dancing in my little living room through most of lockdown).

Of course, this applies right across the board: mentally, emotionally, physically and energetically too.

How many of us, I wonder, have gotten used to limiting ourselves in this lockdown?

How many of us women limit the pleasure, love, joy, well-being or wealth we allow ourselves, because of our havingness limit?

It's great to become aware of patterns around this: noticing the seemingly random occurrences that bring you back down to earth with a bang, right when you're having the time of your life.

And also to practice expanding all of the goodness you're available for, especially because us women are so conditioned to put others first or feel unworthy.

My suggestion is that you allow yourself to experience this expansion - stretching your havingness level - in body, mind, emotions and spirit, so as to really anchor yourself in the MORE of life.

You are oh so worth it after all.

Love, Shakti xx

Recent Posts

See All