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Are you dating a blamer?

Are you dating a blamer & complainer? Beware !

I should have known better.

After all, I know that how we speak about others usually says more about us than it does about them (projection central!).

I know the golden rule that when you point the finger, there are three pointing back at you.

I know that I feel physically uncomfortable if people are gossiping or bad-mouthing others. (And incredibly guilty and off -centre if I lapse into unconscious critique myself.)

I know that our words reveal our thoughts and create our reality.

I know that life is complex and there are many sides to a story.

I believe that what comes around goes around.

And I know that I’ve been dedicated for many years now to taking responsibility for everything in my life and approaching every setback as a lesson to be grateful for – including the “bad” behaviour of others.

I know that I have been scrupulous about never ever slagging off my ex-husband and it’s paid off in a super-harmonious, respectful relationship with him, his partner and my kids.

I know that what we focus our energy upon persists. And by being preoccupied with the faults of others, we are giving our power away and ignoring our own shadow.

And I know that I feel genuine affection for and immense gratitude to my past lovers and I’ve done a lot of inner work to transform myself into that person.

I’m even teaching a workshop called The Gift, which supports others in getting to that same place of gratitude after a hurtful experience or perceived wrong-doing.

And yet… and yet… there I was blinded by love chemicals, listening to my new partner paint a picture of his ex as a prize bitch and even though my alarm flags went up, I chose to ignore them.

It didn’t sit right with me then. And I normally steer well clear of anyone who complains and blames so vehemently, especially about someone they’ve been in relationship with.

But I kept stumm. And chose, instead, to bask in the heady high-heat of new love and make allowances for the man I’d opened my heart to.

I can’t turn back the clock and wish I hadn’t. What transpired after that had its beauty and purpose.

But had I stopped and listened to my instinct right back at the start, I would have had to acknowledge that this behaviour revealed a level of awareness incompatible with the conscious relationship I desired and that, sooner or later, that very same finger would be pointing at me.

It did and it was. Ouch!

So I’ve learned. I’ve learned that I need to bloody well listen to my alarm signals however gushingly in love I feel. I’ve reaped the consequences of not honouring my truth. And I’ve been reminded of a knowing and set of values that are fundamental to me:

never blame and don’t be complicit with others who do. Silence is complicity.

If you’re on the dating circuit, take heed:

  • How does your potential partner talk about their ex?

  • What does this tell you about them?

  • Would you be comfortable if they spoke in that way about you?

  • How willing are they to own their part in the ending of their union?

If they aren’t able to see and humbly, transparently ‘fess up to how they attracted and created their own experience, then they just aren’t ready for relationship, let alone a conscious one. And however unlikely it seems, you'll be the next victim of their blame-fest.

Know your core values, listen to your alarm signals and always, always, always put loyalty to self (which = self-love) above keeping the peace or making someone feel good at the expense of your own integrity.

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