When I took my initiation as a Priestess of Rhiannon (Love & Sacred Sexuality), the Goddess, who had been oozing lusciousness, laughter and warmth with every other initiate before me, turned scarey and severe.
This wasn't some sweet ritual or light-hearted meditation. Her eyes were penetrating me to the core There was nowhere to hide. And here I was, after a year-long journey of deep transformation, being asked to commit myself fully to walking Her path of LOVE.
I felt fear churning in my stomach. I felt the urge to run away. I felt a strange mixture of pride, inadequacy and vulnerability, as She looked deep into my soul and said:
"You will be asked to face more hardship and heartache than you have ever known. Are you sure you want this?"
And although I couldn't possibly imagine in that moment what more heartache life could have in store for me (since it seemed I'd already navigated so much of it) my heart said yes. I knew I wanted this. I knew my soul was committed.
Since shifting life-path completely 12 years prior to that moment, I had become ever more devoted to embodying love and sacred sexuality.
A calling that had grown out of my desire for healing and self-expression, after the end of my second marriage and the challenges of ending up alone in London with 2 young kids, having to start life over with nothing but a few suitcases to my name.
I'd already come so very far in that time. A teacher of conscious dance, tantra for women, yoga and authentic relating; a bodyworker and Reiki Master. A consummate blogger and co-creatrix of a fun youtube show on sex and spirituality.
With a big fat "but".
My love life was a disaster.
I was ashamed to admit it, but despite all my years of studying, healing and teaching. Doing endless sadhana, meditation, courses and workshops, I had been unable to manifest the one thing I longed for: a conscious committed relationship.
Some fucking amazing sex. But, along with it: rejection, betrayal and abandonment. Unavailable men ad infinitum. Instant love and just as instant endings. Infatuation. Longing. Yearning. All wrapped up in a whole lot of pain.
Heart-ache isn't just a metaphor for me: it hurts like hell. It feels like death. And I'd had just about as much of that pain already in my life as I thought I could handle.
With the Goddess' prophecy safely tucked away in the recesses of my consciousness, it didn't occur to me to play safe. I guess I couldn't do or be anything other than my authentic self, walking the path that love had in store for me.
Which took me smack, bang, wallop into my next adventure of ecstasy and heart-break and the next... and the next.
All of which, I now realise, were simply my training ground for the BIG ONE.
You know when you keep doing something that you know is "bad" for you, but you simply can't stop yourself? And everyone around you is worn out watching it happen yet again, but they haven't yet managed to intervene in a way that wakes you up to your patterns? Well, that was me with love and sex.
They were both my deepest passion in life. (Still are)
And my biggest blind spot. (No more !)
There was one massive issue getting in the way, not only of my happiness in love, but my professional success and abundance too. Energy, after all, is energy - right across the board. (Thanks Shari Thompson for that one 😉 )
And it took me walking wide-eyed and open-hearted into the arms of a narcissist to wake me up to it.
There's pain and then there's pain. The Goddess had been right. This one took me to a whole other level of gut-wrenching desolation. Beyond anything I'd ever known. Moments of feeling insane. Moments of wishing to leave this body.
And yet - mercifully - a pain and devastation so obliterating, that the inner will to heal and resolve my blind-spot became stronger than anything else. Stronger than my fiery desire. Stronger than my ache for a partner.
In fact, I vowed that I would not entertain any kind of sex or relationship for at least a year and not before that ache was genuinely assuaged - from within.
And so, even though I know this isn't what you want to hear if you are reading and relating to this: two of my key healing tools were to meditate and be celibate. As I kept on facing and feeling the wanting and the loneliness, and meeting my inner masculine. Whilst acknowledging my co-dependence, romantic illusions, dishonesty and addiction.
Yes. There you go. I've said it.
I might as well face it: I was addicted to love. ❤
Born of teenage wounds, compounded by life experience. I'd been looking for the love I'd always longed for in everything and everyone but me. To the point, where my professional success and well-being was consistently getting de-railed and compromised.
And life kept on telling me, louder and louder "it's not here!" But I didn't listen. I couldn't hear. Until I could.
What stopped me? Pride. Shame. Unawareness. Perhaps too, the "too kindness" of my friends. I remember one or two, who skirted around it. But their message wasn't direct enough to hit home. And the ego is such a clever blighter. It senses truth in-coming and can dodge it in all sorts of ways.
So, here I am now. Ready and willing to be the messenger for those ready and needing to hear. Because I've been there and done that. And I'd do anything to spare you what I went through. With all the love and compassion in the world ❤ ❤ ❤
As we approach February - the month of love - I'm offering two full-day deep dive Retreats for women ready to do whatever it takes to shift their unhealthy relating patterns and embody love.
I refuse to promise you that tempting nugget your addiction and longing want to hear; that you'll manifest a man by the end of it.
What I want first and foremost for you is to love your self so fully, so wholeheartedly, that you can stand shining bright in the world feeling complete unto yourself, without leaking any energy whatsoever into romantic fantasy side-tracks, that feed the bottomless pit of your need.
This isn't so as to put up impenetrable barriers to love around you, but to ensure that you are fully committed to being the one you are looking for. Which, of course, because this is how it works, makes you magnetic to a brand new calibre of man and quality of interaction, whether platonic or romantic.
So here we are:
Thursday, February 4th, 2021 - HEALING THE WOUNDS OF LOVE, 10am-5.30pm
Thursday, February 11th, 2021 - EMBODYING AWAKENED LOVE, 10am-5.30pm
Live on Zoom.
The first will take you on a journey to see, feel and heal what's been keeping you stuck. Nothing's too dark. Bring it.
The second will attune you to the embodiment of divine love and gift you the tools to make conscious relating a way of life.
Each is a stand-alone experience, yet taking both in sequence will effect the greatest shifts. Your choice.
Love Investment: £144 per Retreat. Register here.
This is for aware women, who want lasting change and are ready to dive deep.
You may be single.
You may be in a relationship. (Ah yes, co-dependence hides away in a safe, yet stifling status quo. You'll know if this is you.)