I'll be honest, I'm not a super-star at relationships.
There are a lot of things I've mastered, healed and transformed in my journey, but my relationship with the masculine has been pretty fucked up.
Fucked up. Fucked over. Fucked off. Fucked.
It's been both the grit that catalysed my journey in the first place and the blissful promise of Sacred Union that inspires me still.
It was all well and good so long as I played the good girl and stuck with the expected narrative.
I did get married (in white!). I did buy the big house. I did settle down. At least I tried to.
But then both my desire and ambition got the better of me and I fucked off... for a better fuck quite frankly. I wasn't ready to sacrifice my pleasure at the altar of marriage.
The narrative pulled me back though and I used every manipulative wile in the book to bed and marry the man I wanted to father my children.
Deceit is never a good recipe for healthy relationship. But then I hadn't yet learned to be honest with myself.
Infidelity (this time on his part) shut me down and tore us apart. And that's when my awakening journey began.
Searching for love. Ultimate sex. And God. Preferably all in one man.
Tantra, yoga, authentic relating theory, couples counselling. If it was about union and relationship I was in.
My hunger for learning and healing was insatiable. And consistently being tested in the real of life.
Unleashed, yet unboundaried, my libido took me on a painful dance through a string of lovers.
Even as I shouted to the rooftops my desire for conscious committed relationship with one man.
Expecting him to show up, read my mind and take care of me, in a way I wasn't yet capable of.
Betrayal, abandonment, rejection and abuse. Yup. I tasted them all.
Discovering that it was really damm hard to undo the trauma and conditioning of patriarchy, starting with my emotionally distant, domineering father.
And yet I've kept at it - for no other reason than a calling of the soul I could not ignore.
To heal myself. To embody Sacred Union. To create a more harmonious, loving society and future.
What I've discovered, is that this process of undoing, awakening, forgiving, healing and integrating is never-ending.
So while my relationship with the masculine is stronger and healthier now than it ever has been, we still have so much to expand into together. And that excites me.
Along the way, I've learned that:
I harboured an unconscious hatred and mistrust of the masculine for a long time, which has shifted through repeated rounds of awareness & forgiveness
I kept projecting my ideal of the masculine & relationship onto men, instead of seeing who was there
my inner masculine was heavily programmed by the patriarchy & is still under-going a process of elevation & education
whatever is happening in the external is a mirror to the internal
cultivating my inner masculine has gifted me the sense of security and validation I used to seek outside myself
the union of my masculine & feminine energies within is truly fulfilling and delicious !
this is an inner relationship I can continuously grow and nurture and the more I do, the more I flourish in every way
I am responsible for every part of it
In my work teaching Awakening for Women, there can be a misconception that it's all about the feminine.
In one way, of course, it is. But SHE cannot exist without HE. They are always inevitably one.
To miss out our embodiment both of his highest expression as consciousness, as well as his down-to-earth qualities such as skilful action, would be to render us incomplete. Still waiting for that knight in shining armour to rescue us.
But no. We are here to be whole. By rising in love with the masculine; shifting not only how we show up as awake women, but the very fabric of our world.
This month in my Awakening Shakti programme, we are focussing on Meeting the Masculine.
And I'm offering two possibilities for those outside the course to work with me on this theme.
Come & join me on Sunday, November 15th, 10am-5.30pm for a 1-day workshop on Meeting Your Masculine.
Book a one-to-one session with me devoted to an encounter with your masculine.
Both £99 in November 2020 only.