On last Thursday's Full Moon, I had a total melt-down.
It had been building for a while. A slow build, like a pressure cooker.
And on Thursday, the lid blew off and I erupted.
First came anger.
Then came fear, pain, anxiety, hopelessness: all the emotional poison of old wounds, that had been touched and triggered.
Fortunately, I've been around the block enough times, to know that the way to deal with this is to stay with the feelings and take full responsibility for them.
Not to blame or lash out at anyone.
Nonetheless, it hurt like hell and felt quite unbearable at times.
I lost touch with my centre and power.
I was lost in a whirlwind of intense emotional and mental energy and couldn't find anything to hold onto.
The fact that I wasn't sleeping well made it all worse.
It actually felt as if I was back going through the menopause, even though I've been out of it for at least 2.5 years (I can't quite remember when my last cycle was - LOL!)
I couldn't focus effectively on my work.
I could barely make meals for me and the kids.
Amidst it all, several things helped me:
- my amazing kids, who were rock steady in their own well-being, loving, non-interfering, helpful and funny
- a couple of dear and special friends, whom I called to speak it all out to and ask for support
- some treasured books I could return to for their wisdom and light, so as to remember truths I'd temporarily lost touch with
- yoga, dance, meditation, running, the breath
- continuing to show up for my clients, where (amazingly), my presence and facilitation was just as powerful as ever - if not more so
And then yesterday, as if like that, the process was done and I was back in my power, grounded, laughing and left looking back and wondering what on earth had just happened. LOL !
A whole week of deep process !
As I spoke with a friend today, for whom I held space this time, as she was going through the throes of her own process, it occurred to me:
We are all walking one another home.
Not one of us is without wounds, triggers and shadows.
Not one of us is enlightened.
Whether we are teachers, healers, therapists or guides. We are also all still doing the inner work. (And always will imho).
And this is a super intense time.
Not just the ascension process, but also the emotional and psychological impact of almost a year under lockdown.
I've not seen my father for months. And barely another adult human being throughout much of this period.
I have zero connection with my neighbours and have no friends who live in my immediate vicinity.
I've not been able to engage in any of the in-person, group activities that sustain and nourish my soul, most notably ecstatic dance.
I've not travelled to any of the places or events I normally would have, which also enrich and enliven me, most notably beloved Glastonbury.
There is no-one here I can call upon for practical support with household matters. It's just me and the kids. And sometimes, much as I love them, the house feels too damm small for all of us and I just want a break from being the provider, nurturer, fixer, cook, cleaner and washer (even though they do help out).
These are my parameters.
Yours may be different.
But we all have our own unique set of factors that, in moments when we are less resiliant, can be felt as an additional pressure in an already intense time.
Through those conversations I had with dear friends, who were willing and able to listen and hold neutral, compassionate space, I slowly found my way back to earth.
In the elements of their own lives they shared with me in the exchange, I was able to anchor myself back into a felt-sense of connection with the wider network of humanity, realising that we are all navigating our individual struggles as best we can.
I also heard tit-bits of wisdom, that helped me to piece together and make sense of my experience.
Such as the revelation that as an "emotional authority" in the Human Design system, my way of learning includes going through emotional waves, which means I go through a deep process of intense interaction with an issue from every perspective and this has to be seen through to completion, before I can decide and come out clear.
This process won't be understood or necessarily respected by those who have a different way. And that's ok. But that's my way and it needs to be allowed and trusted. It doesn't mean I'm broken. It doesn't need to be fixed.
If understood and flowed with, it becomes my gift.
When the wave is complete, I've learned something. I'm wiser. Stronger. More integrated. More whole. Much of my teaching, in fact, comes from the many waves I've navigated.
The notion of the "all together person" is a myth.
The notion of the "conscious" person, who has it all sussed and is somehow 'better than" or elevated above others is a myth.
The image of invulnerability sometimes projected out is a dangerous ideal none of us can possibly live up to.
We need one another.
And we are all vulnerable, imperfect, beautiful human beings, doing our best to navigate life in an unprecedented time.
We need interaction to heal, support, listen, grow and learn.
At times one of us will be struggling and another can hold them. And then the roles will reverse.
That one piece of wisdom you drop into conversation may be just what the other needs to hear.
The questions and challenges you share from your own life may elicit a vital sense of connection or catalyse an insight for another.
So dare to be real. Dare to feel. Dare to reach out to those you trust.
The insularity of lockdown can all too easily condition us to isolate beyond what is healthy.
We are all walking one another home.
And I am so grateful both to my children and those special friends who've supported me this past week.
Oh, and the new wisdom I've embodied as a result of this past week... well, it's already calling to be shared. So, watch this space.
Love, Shakti x