A week or so ago, a relating experience in my life threw up feelings of deep heart-ache, grief and vulnerability for me.
Rejection, self-recrimination, shame, separation, not good enough, loneliness, longing, sexual frustration, an aching to be touched, hopelessness and victimhood were all moving through.
It hurt. I'm super sensitive and feel very deeply. Each of these states created acute discomfort in my physical body.
To the point where, in some moments, it was as much as I could do to put one foot in front of the other as waves of pain and unbearable longing pulsed through my heart.
To the point where, in some moments, I wanted out. Let me outta here!
Yet knowing there was no escape! And the only way out was through. To be with it all. To feel it all.
I've been here before. I know now this is where the growth and healing happens. I was (and am) determined to embrace it all and mine what was arising for the gifts.
And as I did so, I was aware of a narrative around and inside me, that it was weak, unspiritual, undesirable, not good enough, lacking in mastery, un-evolved to "still" be feeling such emotions, to still have acted "unconsciously", when I've "done so much work on myself", am a teacher, yada yada yada.
To which I now call "BULLSHIT!"
Because I don't want to sit here pretending I've got all my shit together. I haven't and maybe never will. And that isn't just ok, it's perfect and wonderful.
And there's an insidious tyranny in such spiritual perfectionism that simply isn't aligned with love or the path of union I am on.
Which can also foster by-passing, judgement and "look how marvellously independent and sovereign I am " postering as an avoidance, when - actually - we are all connected and it's in the admitting to our not-knowing or our neediness that a greater love and awareness can enter in.
We don't know it all. We aren't in control. Life is messy, fragile, complex and painful, as much as it is beautiful, flowing and irradiated with divinity.
And I'm here to embody the ALL of it, in order to be opened to more truth and love along the way.
As much as I've gained from staying in presence to everything that's been arising and committing to daily practices of enquiry and healing, I couldn't have navigated the most difficult days of this episode without the unconditionally loving support of friends to whom I could sob over the phone and speak every part of me out without censorship or attempts at fixing.
And even the women on my Awakening Shakti course have benefited from my vulnerable sharing with them of the truth of my process.
We all have higher and lower selves, shadows and light, wounded inner children and ancestral karmas. So let's not pretend that we don't in some effort to "be spiritual".
For isn't any movement to appear or be anything other than what is real, simply another act of self-judgement and separation?
In the words of Azra & Seren Bertrand:
"the only way to reunite with the Source of love is to love. There is no mental shortcut that can help. Allowing our full spectrum self to be seen in relationship does."
Sat Nam 🙏❤️✨