Updated: Feb 19
So, on Valentine's Day just gone, my lover and I ended our relationship.
It was a beautiful, conscious ending, full of love, respect and care.
As I've processed and let go, I've taken a look at my regrets and lessons, as much as my gratitude.
And one of the big things that came to my awareness was how the old co-dependent pattern of:
a) putting the other's needs above mine,
b) fear of abandonment
got in the way of a true meeting at times and pushed him away.
And - conversely, I saw with crystal clarity how almost every time I shared my heart's truth - vulnerable, messy, angry, hurting - whatever it was - he came closer and opened his heart to me.
I saw how it was my FEAR of not being lovable exactly as I am - wounds and warts (and I actually have a few warts, plus chin hairs too - LOL !) - that got in the way of love and intimacy.
In other words, every single time I bent myself out of shape from a strongly conditioned pattern of needing to adapt myself to earn the feeling of love and safety (learned early in childhood), I did a disservice to us both and the relationship.
He - the masculine - responds to the naked truth of my heart.
When I am not bringing this, he can't open his heart to me and loses desire and attraction.
The song I am dancing to here - A Joyful Man by Mayestra - if you listen to the lyrics, describes the capacity of a woman to open fully in her intensity and all-ness - in the meeting with a man of presence.
She could be referring to an actual man.
She could be referring to the Divine Masculine.
As I danced it, I referenced both - my inner Divine Masculine, who is ALWAYS there for me, whatever and however I am, as well as my lover, whom I have let go.
And I understood on a deeper level yet again, how it is this anchoring into an inner sacred union with our own masculine presence, that supports us in showing up raw, untamed, messy, - unapologetically exactly as we are - that gives us the best chance of being able to relate with a man on the external in deep authenticity.
Otherwise, we continue to give our power away and dim our radiance by seeking too hard to please and accommodate - rather than standing in our truthful glory (even and especially if that truth is a strong emotion we've been taught is "negative" or remember being punished, ridiculed or shunned for as a child), when that is actually what he wants and needs to stay present!!
I'm not saying this is what ended the relationship. Or that anything is "my fault".
We both brought our wounds and shadows. Naturally, they matched. Nor was he some superhuman God, who could receive my heart's truth "perfectly" in every moment. We were both walking through our triggers with a lot of awareness, leading to blessed growth for both of us.
But I am feeling massive gratitude and empowerment in the still clearer recognition of how this pattern played out in me.
And so - this is a reminder to all of us, that we are ALREADY ENOUGH. And the world and our men need us to show up as authentically as we possibly can - feeling and expressing our emotions - all of them; vulnerably stating our needs as an act of self-love, (rather than nagging demand), and not giving a fuck about whether we are pleasing or lovable in our realness.
Our relationship with ourselves and our inner Divine Masculine - His eternal presence, love and acceptance - is KEY to this capacity to drop the co-dependent warping of our true nature once and for all.
You can do this work for yourself by taking my Meeting the Masculine self-study course: a powerful, transformative journey of healing, growth and integration. Or by working with me one-to-one. I currently have two openings for private clients. Message me about either opportunity to know more.