About 7 years ago, I was sat on my bedroom floor feeling utterly desolate.
Dark, despairing, hopeless, empty, abandoned by love and God.
Having immersed myself deeply in spiritual practice and personal development for almost 10 years already by that point, here I was again - feeling utterly broken apart by another failed relationship.
I railed at God: "WHY ME?!!! AFTER ALL THIS INNER WORK I'VE DONE? WHAT MORE WOULD YOU HAVE ME DO?!!!"
All I wanted, was to meet a good, conscious man with whom to enjoy a committed relationship.
It didn't seem that big an ask.
I was a gorgeous, sexy, talented, spiritually devoted, big-hearted woman. Surely men should be flocking to me?
So why did I keep experiencing abandonment, betrayal and attracting unavailable men?
And why had this particular man behaved this way? WHY, WHY, WHY???
I tortured myself by playing the story over and over in my head. Trying desperately to figure out his motives and psyche - to understand.
But the one thing I couldn't see is that IT WASN'T ABOUT HIM. It was about my relationship with the masculine: unhealed wounds, unacknowledged resentment and the absence of a healthy inner masculine archetype.
Asking why and trying to locate the cause of my experience in someone else's psyche (or God's perverse sense of justice) only prolonged my suffering.
I honestly thought I was being punished for something I didn't even know I'd done wrong.
Unaware and perhaps a little unwilling to accept, that the only punishing being done was by ME.
And that the only way to heal the pain and escape this cycle was by taking full responsibility for it.
As I sit here today and cast my heart back in the direction of my former self, I want to look her in the eyes and say:
"It's not about him. IT'S NEVER ABOUT THE MAN. It's about you and your relationship with the masculine. This is where you need to put your focus.
As you cultivate your relationship with stillness - a Divine Masculine quality- so you will better be able to witness your thoughts and emotions, and detach from the programming, which is creating this mess.
As you bring your beliefs about and patterns of relating with men into the light, so you can make new choices.
As you feel all the feelings from your original woundings, so they will integrate and loosen their hold: no longer needing you to act out painful dramas like this one, as they beg for resolution.
As you dialogue with your inner masculine and establish a connection with him, so you will lay the foundations for a healthier future relationship.
As you educate yourself about mature masculine archetypes and focus your attention on those who ARE living it (rather than moaning about those, who are not), so you will inspire your inner man to wake up with you.
It's not your fault, that you've not had those conscious role models. It's not your fault, that your father couldn't give you the love you needed, when you were young.
BUT, now you have a choice: stay stuck as a victim or do the inner work to heal this rift and make peace with man.
I know it sucks. I know it feels like hell right now. But it will and can change. You will heal. You will grow.
And one day, you will look back upon this moment and actually feel GRATITUDE for the wake-up call and MARVEL at the level of WHOLENESS you feel.
This is all possible, because I've walked the path from there to here and I'm holding the light for you to find your own way too."
My Meeting the Masculine online self-study course is created for women, who are called to know this too. In it I share the tools, practices and insights I've gained from my own direct experience, wisdom and illumination, through a deep and ongoing commitment to loving the man in me.
It will revolutionise your relationship with the masculine - for good.
Reach out to know more. (And ps. it's being offered at a special festive investment until Xmas Day 2020).
I love you