The Virgin/Whore Split


Oh God. Not this one again. But I have to.


So one of the great things about having a daughter, is that I've been able to share all my wisdom with her as she grows up.


Now 17 and a blossoming young woman, she was telling me yesterday about how she notices this split in the psyches of her male friends.


Young men she's known since their pre-pubescent days - literally, since starting school together.


And reminiscing upon how sweet, open and heart-centred their relating was before the sex hormones hit. Most of her pals were boys back then.


How different everything is now. And how she misses those days, when everyone just mixed and related, regardless of gender and agenda.


She sees it plain as day in her boy friends (not boyfriends). They have girls they respect and regard as friends. And girls they fool around with at parties.


And rarely do the twain meet.


Which frustrates the heck out of my daughter. Because she feels this division of the feminine into virgin/whore makes her true self invisible.


To give an example from my own recent experience, take the article about Sex at 50+ I was featured in in The Sun.


A beautiful, natural photo (taken by my daughter actually). An interview in which I speak about my enjoyment of sex. With my lover.


Which precipitated a flurry of messages from men I don't know, presuming (I guess) that because I speak about sex that I'm up for it with strangers???


OK, so here's the thing I'd like men to understand: women embody sensuality and sexual energy. This is their true nature.


They are capable of infinite and ever expanding sexual pleasure and self-expression, which, if you are ever lucky enough to experience it, will blow your mind and open your heart beyond anything you've ever known.


BUT, for the vast majority of us (me included), that opening only happens with a man I LOVE, TRUST and feel SAFE with.


I can be a total slut in the bedroom, as in a woman who loves and allows her fullest sexual expression without shame or limitation.

AND - for me that can be a magical, mystical experience, when my self is lost in the energy of Shakti - the Divine Feminine Herself - being penetrated by and merging with your Divine Masculine energy.


This is a cosmic experience that is both fully sexual and spiritual.


It is about LOVE, bliss, joy and surrender.


And it is also about naked authenticity.


That level of sexual experience is impossible unless you are willing to open your heart and reveal every part of you.


To see and be seen. Way beyond the surface. Deep down to the soul. Stripped bare of pretence and defence.


Eye-gazing. Breathing together.


But like I say, for THAT to happen, I need to feel safe, held, heard and RESPECTED. To feel that in your voice, approach and touch. It all begins way before you even get close to me.


I need to feel truly seen, rather than being the screen for your wank fantasies and projections.

I need to know you're going to stick around, not just want to stick one up me.


Because to show and share my Holy Whore and Temple Priestess in her fullness, I will have to surrender my all - body, heart and soul - and that is a super vulnerable place to be.


Because it's not just about sex. In that opening, everything that is moving within me and between us - shadow and light - will rise.


Huge emotion. Vast energy. Source love.


And when I'm in that space of surrender open, I need to know you can be there with me. Holding the pole of loving presence. Not just during, but after too. As the storms and waves of life-force move through. Undoing me.


The more present you are, the more I open. The more I open, the more you get to experience my sexual, spiritual, loving fullness. Simple.


And.. newsflash... the more everything that is not love or light will also come pouring out. It won't all be candles and climax. In this opening, my wounds, insecurities and neuroses are drawn to the surface. Just as yours will be.


That's when our love, presence and awareness is needed most.


Oh, and once I've picked myself up out of that bedroom bliss, even as the undoing continues, yes - I take a shit, do the dishes, tally my accounts, dash to the supermarket, cook dinner for the kids, get to work. You get the picture.


It's back to life and back to reality. As the energy of our merger keeps moving through and offering me stuff to process.


So no, I don't go around wearing crotchless panties being up for it all day.


I also get greasy hair, sweaty armpits, food between my teeth, pmt and moments of intense anxiety. I fart too.


This is the face of the Goddess. She is ALL of this! And if you want to experience the true whore - not the cardboard cut-out version, who leaves you hungry for more - then you've got to embrace all the other feminine archetypes too.


Your woman is everything! We don't fit into two neat camps of either/or. And we long for you to see this.


The Virgin/Whore split has created so much unhappiness for men and women alike.


I see girls and women acting like porn-stars to please and allure men. Yet they are utterly disconnected from self, sensation and true sensuality, so their experience is hollow and disempowering.


I constantly meet women longing to give expression to their sacred slut, yet not feeling safe or confident enough to do so. (And is it any wonder, when I simply have to say I enjoy sex to receive unsolicited dick pics? Do you have any idea how offensive and violating that is?)


I see men unable to evoke or experience the depth of sexuality or connection they crave, because they don't get that for a woman to open fully, the key is in their SUSTAINED presence and her heart.


So they keep chasing the next fix. Not realising that all the gifts they desire are right here with the woman in front of them. If they could just learn to be with her, stick around and cherish her.


I proudly claim and honour my sexuality, which, for me, is a force of love, healing and awakening in the world. Namaste 🙏

Art by Ines Honfi <3