My recently released book RAPTURE ends with 2 questions, one of which is:
What are you making love for?
As I sat with a client the other day, hearing how she frequently endured sexual activity she wasn't enjoying, I had to ask the same thing.
And in her case, the answer was this.
Sex is her way of fulfilling a need to feel loved, important and desired. To get attention from the masculine. To appease a sense of emptiness.
A need set up a long time ago in her childhood. Way before sex was a thing.
What it means for her as an adult, is that she has experienced a lot of sexual action. Most of which hasn't been much fun. Some of which has been assault.
That hunger to be wanted, to matter to someone, over-rode self-care and self-honouring.
Even when it hurt.
And her lack of inner authority and self-awareness kept her silent.
Sure, there has been pleasure in the mix as well. But not because she's communicated her needs or desires.
More because what was being done to her happened to turn her on.
Now that she is on a healing journey, these patterns still play out.
She is scared to voice her "stop" or "no".
She endures discomfort in service to his pleasure.
She's doesn't insist on condoms "because it's easier".
He comes first (in both senses of the word). And she is an after-thought - for both of them.
There is a terror here, that speaking up will evoke rejection or - worse still - a repeat of the sexual violence she's also known.
That time, when she was unable to speak her no, but pushed the man away repeatedly and he ploughed on through regardless.
Ironically, her continuing allowance of what is not wanted perpetuates her trauma and disempowerment, alongside her lovers' misunderstanding of what she - or any woman - wants.
There is a lot to unpick & restore to wholeness here, to bring her sexuality out of the shadows:
seeing the roots of her co-dependence and neediness
cultivating stillness & witnessing consciousness
releasing long-held shame & self-judgement
establishing and learning to hold boundaries
healing the trauma response encoded in her body
discovering what actually gives her pleasure
claiming sexual empowerment & self-responsibility
finding her voice
This isn't an overnight journey. It's a process. A path. A gradual reclamation. Which it's my absolute honour to midwife.
I love this work, because I love witnessing women blossom. Not just sexually, but in all ways.
Because, as we heal and empower ourselves sexually, every aspect of our being is transformed and en-lightened:
Our relationships, careers and health.
Our physical, mental and emotional well-being.
Our creative expression.
Our spiritual connection.
Our soul gifts.
As I state in another chapter in RAPTURE, sex is for the ALL of you dear sister. It's never just about genital friction. And at its ultimate and highest expression you are an embodiment of the sexual, creative energy - Shakti - that births worlds.
Which is why the embodied return to this knowing is so healing and expansive. It is the return to your self-fulfilled essence.
Rapture.
I'd love you to buy the book. It's available on Amazon.
And if you're a woman, who is called to know and embody this for herself, I invite you to join me on the next RAPTURE journey, starting October 28th, 2021.
A 5 month online immersion for the modern-day tantrika, supporting you to heal, feel, awaken and safely integrate your cosmic orgasmicness, untapped feminine super-powers and authentic, radiant wholeness.
Having devotedly walked this path for the past 13 years, I know both the pitfalls and potential awaiting you. I teach and hold space with deep presence, authenticity, sensitivity and wisdom. Truth, love and Shakti energy move through me in service to your awakening.
Art by Ines Honfi