Why I'm a cosmic pain slut


Yep. It's time to admit it.

I'm coming out. Finally. Fully.

Owning my shadow on a level I've not dared to before.

And what a perfect day for it, what with the New Moon Eclipse & all that.

So what's tipped me over into this wholesale ownership of my undeniable turn-on by some very nasty, naughty beliefs?

On the face of it, it's the book I've been reading - Existential Kink - by Carolyn Elliott.


(Please go read it. It's brilliantly written & utterly life-changing).

But actually, I'd say that's been more like the final nudge in a kinkily protracted recognition that a part of me gets off on being treated like shit and under-valued.


Does that shock you?


Well, don't let it.


Let me show you the evidence.


I've been on a devoted path as a teacher, mentor and spiritual seeker for over 18 years.


I mean like serious hard-core daily practices: meditation, self-enquiry, reading, workshops, trainings, intensives, interviewing experts, travelling, satsangs, gurus, mentors… right across the board of: tantra, yoga, Nia Technique, contact improv, ecstatic dance, 5 Rhythms, bodywork, Reiki, conscious relating, awakening consciousness and – most recently – the new paradigm for feminine business.


Before that I was pursuing a PhD, got a Masters with Distinction, had run my own successful business and worked with a top 5 international management consultancy.


I'm super intelligent, beautiful, bilingual, loving, sincere, sexy and multi-talented.


I've got two incredible kids (yes, I’m an awesome conscious Mum too!) and a host of wonderful friends who really love me.


I dance as the Goddess, speak as a channel, heal with my touch, transform people's lives, uplift with my writing and have the gift of seeing into souls and getting to the heart of an issue instantly.


And I love and make love with totality... surrendering heart, body and soul into Shakti flow of wildness, ecstasy and bliss.


BUT... despite all of this, from the minute I stepped onto my soul path & became a single Mama, I have struggled to support myself and my kids financially.


For 15 bloody years.


And fuck me have I done work around this! So please don't offer a suggestion or project your own shit onto me as to what book/workshop/teacher might help. I don’t want it.


Oh and in that same time I've also not had one long-term healthy relationship, despite longing with all my heart to be met in love.


In fact, if I had to characterise my relationship history since "going spiritual" with a few key-words, here's what they'd be: unavailable/immature/wounded/addicted men, abuse, neglect, betrayal, rejection and abandonment.


Yep. I may not have acted out my kink in the bedroom (mostly anyhow ;-) ), but I sure as hell was a masochist in love.


It's as if I decided to take on the agony of heart-break for the whole collective. Ad infinitum.


And yes, I've done years and years of inner work around that too.


Causing my ego to flip between self-judgement, frustration and self-pity on many an occasion.


Just look at all your accolades! Just look at how kind/sweet/gorgeous/sexy/talented you are! Just look at all the inner work you've done ! Just look at what she's earning and she's nowhere near as gifted/professional/experienced as you ! You mean you've done ALL of this, achieved ALL of this and you're still not loaded with a devoted man by your side???


You simply can’t be as good at what you do as you think you are. For fuck's sake God! What ELSE do I have to do ??? It's just not fair !!!!


Self-flagellation at its best. Pass me the metaphorical whip someone LOL !


OK, ok. Of course, things have shifted.


I have had many potent healings, initiations and awakenings. I have moved increasingly into my divinity, power and glory. I am healthy, happy and more self-fulfilled than ever before in my life.

In fact, if I look back at the person I was even 5 years ago, let alone 18, I’m unrecognisable.


My financial situation has improved too – somewhat.


But here’s the thing. Still no man. And still closer to surviving, than thriving.


And then in the midst of all that I’m engaged with right now: teaching my RAPTURE course, participating in a meditative deep-dive journey, a Divinely Wealthy programme, reading “Existential Kink” (EK), plus online dating… it’s dawned on me like never before:

I’ve been getting my kicks out of the feeling of lack and unworthiness.


The basic EK premise, you see, is that “having is evidence of wanting”. Uncategorically.


Every time.


No ifs, buts or maybes.


So the revelatory process is to identify the feelings associated with repetitive patterns you really really hate and REVEL in them… to the point of arousal.


By loving them up and allowing yourself to own the part of you that obviously wants this (yep, that saucy little unconscious you, who just loves the pang of longing and gets all tingly at the angst of wondering how to pay the rent next month), you disarm your own gangsta shadow and free your energy to create something new.


After indulging in this kinky meditation practice for under a week, today the penny (boulder more like) went ker-plunk.


I’ve been under-selling and over-delivering in my business. For years.


And repeatedly accepted men into my heart and yoni, who were not capable of meeting me where I’m at. Thinking all I’m worthy of is a fraction of my true value.


Wowee ! My unconscious self has been having a field day indulging in heart-ache and victimhood. Thank Goddess I can now at least get off on it.


I AM A COSMIC PAIN SLUT. I fess up. I give in. I surrender.


Judge me all you like. It really can’t get any more down and dirty than this. And, if I’m honest, it’s a relief to finally get it off my chest.


If I’ve inspired you to take a look at your own unconscious patterns and/or have some sexy time with EK yourself, so much the better.


But here’s the heads up people: from tomorrow my prices are going up and I’m just not available for any time-wasters, penny pinchers or boy-men.


Over and out.


Love, Shakti X


Ps. Massive gratitude to my soul sister Azra Ladora for her conscious listening, spot on questions and unconditional love; to Fleur Inanna and our Primordial Home group for the ecstatic deepening I’m experiencing with you; to Shari Thompson for being such a kick-ass mentor and recommending the book to me in the first place and to Carolyn Elliott for writing it. Heartfelt and humblest gratitude also to Metatron & beloved Bayari Lou Beegan, who have also woven their way into this transformational mix.

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